Inflation Is A Unicorn

Don’t Be A Sucker!

What’s inflation? The first answer is: when Apple dongles cost more today than yesterday.

The second answer: Venmo dollars that are worth less today than yesterday.

The third answer: when more money is chasing cream puffs than yesterday.

The forth answer: when you need more money today…to buy the same boring cup of coffee you bought yesterday.

(If you’re still reading this you need to get a life.)

Answer Five. When you were warned not to go buying tons of stupid shit, with FREE money from the GoVERrnMeNT who, by the way, you were warned not to elect because they’d create SOCIALISM (and re-animate Nazis in Argentinean Freezers) which would make everyone beholden to…

Anyway…Inflation is inconvenient. You’re living your life la-de-da, day after day, happy enough in your work and amusements, when you go to the grocery store and the price of whatever becomes noticeable to you. Say it’s ice cream. You buy ice cream every day and don’t think anything of it. Then one day you’re buying it and you notice the price has gone up.

It’s annoying.

The sixth answer (we’re honing in on this sucker!). Inflation is when the price of something changes annoyingly.

More than just one day. Real inflation is when you get annoyed, day after day after day.

Super real inflation is when you understand inflation so well you can no longer explain it…like the existence of a unicorn. It’s all PSYSCHOLOGICAL! SOCIOLOGICAL!

Yet no matter how little we understand inflation, or agree on what it is, we fear it.

How does inflation happen?

Maybe a butterfly poops on someone’s cream puff and when they go to buy another, they’re out, so they’re a run on cream puffs at the bakery across the street.

When inflation does happen we always pretend only one person saw it (the biggest blow-hard we can remember) and everyone else was wrong. It doesn’t make for a good story otherwise. All the people who predicted inflation but weren’t recognized gnash their teeth and spend the rest of their lives saying, “I warned you!”

We haven’t had the annoying kind of inflation in 40+ years. A whole generation has died predicting inflation that never came. Some even have tombstones that read, “Buy Gold!”

Losers. Died without their 15 minutes of fame.

When does inflation happen? That’s a legitimate question.

When some supermarket in its own private Idaho misprices a tub of ice cream (of course)!

Unlike a theater, we can’t take a photograph and show it to people and say,”Someone yelled fire and everyone panicked, running for the exits, trampling and killing people”

That’s why it’s difficult to explain inflation — no pictures.

Instead, we can only take out our dollar bill. Or these days we’ll show some figures on our phone.

It’s like we’re in a dream-like theater where everyone is enjoying the show and someone yells, “tomorrow the price is double.” Naturally, we race out to the cashier to get tickets, for tomorrow, with the money in our pocket today. Then next day, even if the theater charges the same amount, they’re sold out, so people come to us and say I want to buy our ticket for today’s show (which we bought yesterday). And we’re like, “you have to pay double.”

“Screw you” they say, “I’ll just buy from theater.”

But the theater is out of tickets, so they have to come back to us and pay double.

Then the next day it happens all over again.

In the beginning, it’s fun for sellers! Ask anyone selling homes in fancy neighborhoods these days!

The theater no longer has control. People keep asking for more money for their tickets and no one can lower prices. Why? Because no one knew why it should be any specific price in the first place. No one remembers what the price used to be. It doesn’t matter. Why should it matter? You have a ticket. The price keeps going up. Why would you sell it for the same if you know it will go up tomorrow?

The theater keeps trying to find a good price for tickets to calm everyone down. That becomes everyone’s new entertainment.

There are no unicorns in nature. They exist only in our imagination. But what imaginations we have! That we can create an animal that doesn’t exist! If we can create a unicorn, which is truly a God-like power, then how impressive is inflation? It isn’t impressive at all!

Inflation is what we charge for something that we believe people are trying to buy cheaply from us today, to sell or hoard tomorrow at a higher value.

Inflation is a type of social anxiety.

We don’t care what everyone else is doing. We don’t care what others say we should do to stop everyone else from doing it too. We don’t care about the seven definitions of inflation.

All we care about it not being the last loser in line for food at the homeless shelter.

Sometimes we just exhaust ourselves to the point that our tickets stabilize in price. Other times we have to start all over with a new currency.

There’s a whole other cemetary for those predicting that.