Useful Racism From The Basketball Court

Max Can't Help It!
3 min readNov 23, 2023

Athletically, American blacks are quicker and more explosive. That’s some useful racism I learned playing pickup basketball. From what I read, I learned wrong. Or maybe I learned right but don’t understand the full story. Someone said it’s just one race of blacks from one specific part of Africa.

I sucked at basketball so it didn’t really matter. There are many ways to exercise skill in basketball. Whites were better shooters. Sometimes I’d watch a game from the sidelines and wonder, who would win, the blacks dunking or the whites shooting?

Lest you accuse me of stereotyping. There were also competitions between sharp-shooting blacks and whites charging the center with 50 pounds of beer fat around their guts making ugly-ass layups no one was about to interrupt.

I bet those fat-jiggling whites also came from some specific part of Europe.

Jews were the most interesting basketball players of all. Neither athletic nor otherwise skilled. Jews are obsessed with basketball because, theoretically, they should excel. It’s a strategic team sport like no other — but they aren’t, at least at a professional level. However, they certainly knew how to work with black basketball players, all becoming becoming rich in the NBA.

Most of the lessons I learned on American basketball courts, I learned in simpler times. We had Whites, Blacks and Jews. In my 40s women began to show up. Then Asians. And Muslims. And Indians. Too many interlopers to count!

Neither the blacks nor whites knew what to make of these newcomers. I used to be picked around third or forth. After they started showing up I was picked last. That’s why I’m anti-immigration — as if!

Women from the Dartmouth basketball team would come play. I protected our best male players by covering them. When they’d make mince-meat of me some guys would complain. I’d say, “You cover them. “Oh no, you’re doing a good job!”

Asians were what Jews WISHed they were on the basketball court. Stealthy. Pretending that they’re playing their first game ever and scoring point after point after point.

Yeah, the Asians suck ;)

How can kids these days possibly learn anything about useful racism on the basketball…